Sunday, February 13, 2011
Fuck that challenge or whatever, I don't even care.
I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. I can't talk to anyone. I'm so sad. I don't get what's wrong with me; I'm nothing to everyone minus ten people.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Day 2: Your first love
Dear Kevin Gil Bialobrzeski,
I'm picking you as my first love only because you are the guy who cares about me most, excluding my family members. I don't really know if I am truly in love you. It's hard to know if I am because I have never gotten the chance to be with you. But I know that I love you. I love you as my best friend. I love you as a person I could always count on. Sometimes, I doubt you would be there for me if I really needed you. But then I think about our friendship, and realize we are genuinely friends. I get jealous of all your friends and your girlfriend because I want you to care about me the most. I know that's selfish since I don't care about you the most but I can't help it. I want to know that not talking to me makes you miss me. I want to know that you actually want to see me and hang out. You hurt me in the past, and I'm hurt because of you right now. Both times you didn't mean to. I'm sorry I take the hurt out on our friendship; out on you. I know you feel bad but I don't want your pity. I don't need you to feel guilty for not having romantice feelings about me. I need you to keep trying to be my friend because when it comes down to it; I need you. I'm miserable without your friendship. And that overpowers any misery I have about you not liking me. Because I know that even if you don't like like me, you love me as a friend. That is way more important. I've been silly. This isn't fair to you. I'm going to start being a better friend to you. I know you care about me as a person and that's all that matters. Look forward to a text tomorrow. I owe you an apology.
I love you, Kev.
Always,
Audrey
I'm picking you as my first love only because you are the guy who cares about me most, excluding my family members. I don't really know if I am truly in love you. It's hard to know if I am because I have never gotten the chance to be with you. But I know that I love you. I love you as my best friend. I love you as a person I could always count on. Sometimes, I doubt you would be there for me if I really needed you. But then I think about our friendship, and realize we are genuinely friends. I get jealous of all your friends and your girlfriend because I want you to care about me the most. I know that's selfish since I don't care about you the most but I can't help it. I want to know that not talking to me makes you miss me. I want to know that you actually want to see me and hang out. You hurt me in the past, and I'm hurt because of you right now. Both times you didn't mean to. I'm sorry I take the hurt out on our friendship; out on you. I know you feel bad but I don't want your pity. I don't need you to feel guilty for not having romantice feelings about me. I need you to keep trying to be my friend because when it comes down to it; I need you. I'm miserable without your friendship. And that overpowers any misery I have about you not liking me. Because I know that even if you don't like like me, you love me as a friend. That is way more important. I've been silly. This isn't fair to you. I'm going to start being a better friend to you. I know you care about me as a person and that's all that matters. Look forward to a text tomorrow. I owe you an apology.
I love you, Kev.
Always,
Audrey
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Day 1: Introduce Yourself
I'm Audrey. I love my dogs more than life. I would do anything for my friends. I care too much about things. I'm crazy. I'm confused. I'm sad. I love the smell of books. I love to read. My imagination is incredible. I don't believe in organized religion. If there is a God, he fucking hates me and I don't care. I never like the "right" boys. I'm kind of smart. I hate high school but love learning in general. I used to care about status. My heart is breaking at the moment. There are times where I can get mad at anything and everything and times where nothing can bother me. I'm afraid of spiders and dying without getting the chance to say goodbye to the people I love. I cry a lot. Sometimes I don't know why I cry. My favorite bands are Fall Out Boy and Blink 182. I wish I was Mila Kunis. I love to swim. My parents drive me crazy but I'm so glad they are my parents. Taylor Lautner is my dream guy. Life scares me; death doesn't. I'm insecure. I have acne. My belly button is pierced. I have like six best friends. My brothers are my heroes; I love them very much. I wish I was perfect so everything would be easier. I'm liberal. I've been a vegetarian for almost four years. There are a lot of times where I can't get over the past. I hate texting. I love to write. I want to major in Environmental Biology and minor in Anthropology in college. I'm nervous about going away to college. I want Zeus to live forever. I'm scared because he won't. I'm weird. I can be outgoing or shy, depending on my mood. I'm not the kind of girl who texts a guy first. My favorite TV show is That 70's Show; I've seen every episode more than fifteen times each. I love horror movies. I re-read almost every book I've read. I pretend to hate romance but I'm a sucker for it. I feel alone. I don't need anyone to complete me; I just want someone to understand me. I used to be obsessed with the computer game, The Sims. I love Star Wars. I watch Dragonball Z. I've read all seven Harry Potter books so many times that I have lost count. I don't let people really know me; they just think they do. I'm stubborn. I can be a brat. I only talk shit when someone really makes me mad. I'm a bitch around certain people. I've made mistakes but I accept most of them. I used to never get embarassed but now I do every day. I want to know why life exists. I believe in soul mates. I know feelings can change; hate can turn to love; love can turn to hate. I want to be loved. I wish I trusted someone 100%. I used to get drunk a lot but I don't anymore. I go to Barnes and Noble just to chill there and read. When I like a guy, I like them for a long time. I wish I dated this guy but I didn't because my friends pretty much said he wasn't cool enough. I need to apoligize to some people. I take my anger out on people. I love to tan. I love every season equally. The universe amazes me. I believe somewhere far away there are other living organisms. I want to be happy. I want to do what I love. I need to know there is someone out there who is wating to be with me. Sometimes I hate myself. I get jealous easily. I love the beach. I love the adrenaline rush I get when I go on a rollar coaster. I make my life harder than it needs to be. I love the Jonas brothers. Cartoons still entertain me. I wish I was a little kid still. I wish my emotions weren't so fragile. I hope I understand true happiness one day. There is so much more about me; but I guess that stuff isn't meant to be written down.
It IS FOUR AM
I'm sad. I'm hurt. I want both of you to know you are shitty best friends. You make me angry. I always feel like I am second best to all your other friends. I have been there for you guys through pretty much everything.Where are you guys now when I need you?
Kaitlin- Don't forget who had your back through every mistake, hook up, break up, and fight. I've always been here because I actually care about your well being. I want you to be happy. You're boyfriend is a guy I was obsessed with for more than a year and I STILL WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY. I'm routing for you two all the way, even when you cheated on him. So many people wonder why I put up with you. It's this one sided friendship really. I give, you take. But I go through the motions with you because I know there is good in you. A lot of people can't see it. That's partly because you don't let them. But I see it, Ryan sees it. I just don't get why I am not good enough anymore. Maybe I never was. Sure, you call me your best friend, but you choose to hang out with those other girls. You take for granted that I will always be here for you. It's just the kind of person I am, or really, have become. And lately, I don't know if I can promise to always be there for you anymore. I try so hard. I'm sick of feeling this way. I feel used.
Kevin- I don't even want to talk about you. But of course I will. Not a day goes by where I don't think about you. I'll be doing something random, and want to talk to you about it. I have always been here for you when you needed someone to talk to. I pushed aside my feelings to be a good friend to you. It has been one of the most difficult things to do. I wish I could talk to you everyday. I want to share everything with you. I know who you are when you aren't trying to fit in with your friends or any of that shit. Sometimes, I just doze off and dream about what it would be like if you felt the same way about me as I feel about you. Right now, this second, I could tell you we'd never run out of things to say to each other. You're my true best friend; someone I'm suppose to be friends with. It sucks that you won't ever let us be as close as we should. For someone so real, you act so fake. For awhile, I thought my feelings were just me wanting to feel comforted because I always feel so safe with you. It's been seven months; my feelings haven't changed. You comfort me but you also make me want to better myself. At this moment, I don't deserve you. I am jealous and crazy . But I want you to be happy; I know you aren't and that makes me sad. You should be with someone who lights up your world. I think you deserve that. I know that girl isn't me; I know you well enough to know it is not your current girlfriend either. At the same time, I don't think you deserve my friendship. Because I gave so much to you. I tried and tried, relentlessly, to figure out your life. You can't make sense of anything and it fustrates me. You don't want to face who you are. The person you really are is the person I want as my friend. You confuse me. You hurt me every day we don't talk. I miss you nonstop. You're always in the back of my mind. I wish I could see you right now; all the time really. I'm done trying to be your friend. You want me in you life, put me in it. You are so important to me. It hurts like hell to know you don't give me a second glance. I was okay with being your friend. I really was. It's your fault we are this way. Remember that the next time you realize like you have no true friends.
Kaitlin- Don't forget who had your back through every mistake, hook up, break up, and fight. I've always been here because I actually care about your well being. I want you to be happy. You're boyfriend is a guy I was obsessed with for more than a year and I STILL WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY. I'm routing for you two all the way, even when you cheated on him. So many people wonder why I put up with you. It's this one sided friendship really. I give, you take. But I go through the motions with you because I know there is good in you. A lot of people can't see it. That's partly because you don't let them. But I see it, Ryan sees it. I just don't get why I am not good enough anymore. Maybe I never was. Sure, you call me your best friend, but you choose to hang out with those other girls. You take for granted that I will always be here for you. It's just the kind of person I am, or really, have become. And lately, I don't know if I can promise to always be there for you anymore. I try so hard. I'm sick of feeling this way. I feel used.
Kevin- I don't even want to talk about you. But of course I will. Not a day goes by where I don't think about you. I'll be doing something random, and want to talk to you about it. I have always been here for you when you needed someone to talk to. I pushed aside my feelings to be a good friend to you. It has been one of the most difficult things to do. I wish I could talk to you everyday. I want to share everything with you. I know who you are when you aren't trying to fit in with your friends or any of that shit. Sometimes, I just doze off and dream about what it would be like if you felt the same way about me as I feel about you. Right now, this second, I could tell you we'd never run out of things to say to each other. You're my true best friend; someone I'm suppose to be friends with. It sucks that you won't ever let us be as close as we should. For someone so real, you act so fake. For awhile, I thought my feelings were just me wanting to feel comforted because I always feel so safe with you. It's been seven months; my feelings haven't changed. You comfort me but you also make me want to better myself. At this moment, I don't deserve you. I am jealous and crazy . But I want you to be happy; I know you aren't and that makes me sad. You should be with someone who lights up your world. I think you deserve that. I know that girl isn't me; I know you well enough to know it is not your current girlfriend either. At the same time, I don't think you deserve my friendship. Because I gave so much to you. I tried and tried, relentlessly, to figure out your life. You can't make sense of anything and it fustrates me. You don't want to face who you are. The person you really are is the person I want as my friend. You confuse me. You hurt me every day we don't talk. I miss you nonstop. You're always in the back of my mind. I wish I could see you right now; all the time really. I'm done trying to be your friend. You want me in you life, put me in it. You are so important to me. It hurts like hell to know you don't give me a second glance. I was okay with being your friend. I really was. It's your fault we are this way. Remember that the next time you realize like you have no true friends.
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